FeelingCrazyToday --- How Embarrassing

Murderball

2006-06-30T08:15:00.000-05:00

Last night Hubby and I watched Murderball. It is a documentary that follows some quadriplegic rugby players. Great movie, I highly recommend it.

Murderball isn't your ordinary rugby game. Besides throwing the ball around to try to score a goal, these guys crash into each other in special, tank-like wheelchairs. The games must be exciting to watch, full of action. They slam into other players and often the other player's wheelchair is knocked over, spilling the player on the floor. If nothing else, this movie shows that quadriplegic does not mean wallflower.

One part of the movie shows the guys playing the game and one of the athletes tells that most of the players have broken their necks and have rods in their necks. The comment follows a visual aid showing what the rods look like in place, ending with a close up on a huge scar around the base of someone's skull where he'd had surgery.

My first thought - "wow, this is a tough sport! So rough most of the guys break their necks!" Unfortunately, I hate to admit my stupidity, but there it is. They didn't break their necks playing murderball...they are playing murderball versus another sport because they are in wheelchairs after breaking their necks. Duh!

I Did It Again!

2005-10-18T09:37:00.000-05:00

(Note to Wonderful Hubby: Look away, do not read.)

Two or three summers ago, my friend and neighbor asked me to water her flowers while she was gone on vacation. I drove to her house to quick water the flowers before I ran some errands in town.

A normal, intelligent person would follow a typical procedure when stopping at someone's house to oh, say, water flowers. One important step in the procedure would be to put the car in park before getting out of the car.

Skipping that important step led to replacing my friend/neighbor's garage door. $850 later you'd think I'd have learned my lesson and never forgotten to put the car in park again. (Honey, quit reading!) Nope, I did often enough to put myself on the moron list before I ran into, or rather, my undriven car ran into the garage door. And I've continued to do it often enough since then.

It's just that all the other times I've forgotten to put my car in park, besides the whole garage door incident, I didn't cause any damage. I only tried to turn off my car and couldn't until the car was in park.

Today I did it again. ! Again! I was bringing my nephew to school and he said he didn't have time for breakfast before he left, so I quick stopped by my house to get him a breakfast bar. I stopped my car in the driveway, jumped out, and intended to run into the house. That is, until my car ran to the house with me. With Scream in the backseat! (Let's not tell Scream's parents about this, ok?)

Luckily this time I jumped in the car and got my foot on the brake before the car went too far. The reason I had to replace the garage door last time was because I didn't get back into my car until it stopped - by ramming into my friend/neighbor's husband's car, hitting the bike rack on my car on their garage door as it made it's way into the garage. !

When will I ever learn?!

Damn You, David Sedaris!

2005-10-09T12:56:00.000-05:00

I like to listen to an audiobook while I workout at the gym. It's a nice way to entertain me while I sweat, plus I get to "read" a book.

Sometimes it's really annoying to try to listen. Some audiobooks must be recorded quieter than others, because some are hard to hear even when the volume is turned all the way up. And when the gym has the overhead music turned up, I sometimes have to sneak over and turn it back down or turn off my book because I can't hear it over the piped-in music.

Today I started a new audiobook, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris. The good part about it is it's just as funny as other books of his I've read. The bad part is that I was giggling throughout my workout, looking like a complete weirdo (again).

I tried to keep quiet, but I couldn't help it. He's so darned funny! I even had tears rolling down my cheeks.

Have you seen my dignity? I seem to have lost it.

2005-09-22T20:55:00.000-05:00

My nephew has been on a big checkers kick this week. I wish I could say I was an undefeated champion. But if I'm going to be an honest person, I must also be a humble person and admit that he beat me...twice.

I also wish I could say that my nephew is a world-class checker champion. But again, I must be honest and humble and admit that he is wee little fellow, only five years old.

And he beat me...twice.

What the...

2005-05-25T15:00:00.000-05:00

I hate to say it, but I did it again. At least any other time I did it, I did it at home. The first couple of times it happened, I thought I was finding a puddle on the floor after a young neighbor was in there. After a couple more times, I concluded it was me making the mess.

This time it happened at the center where I volunteer. ! What to do? What to do? I debated running home and changing - because I not only got the toilet and floor, but my pants as well!, but wasn't sure how to explain my sudden departure.

I decided it wasn't that much longer before it would be time for me to leave, so I just sucked it up and wore the pants. Only the top, rear of my waistband was wet, so I just made sure my shirt was always covering it. I had to sit forward in my car driving home so as not to touch my wet pants to myself, or my car. Luckily it's only 2 miles.

I'm so gross, can you believe I snagged me a husband?

Ouch

2005-05-16T13:28:00.000-05:00

I thought for sure I was going to have a hugely swollen jaw by now. I'm glad to say I don't. Earlier today I opened my car door and used the trunk release to open my trunk. I closed the door before I was actually out of the way. The door slammed into my jaw. Ouch!

You'd think I would've learned all the other times that I've closed the door on my finger or my shoulder (many, many times) that I would slow down and make sure my body was out of the door-closing area before I pushed the door. No.

My jaw didn't swell up like I thought it would. It doesn't even feel tender where I got hit. Hopefully there won't be any mark later. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow and have a big bruise there. Although, it'd match nicely the huge, blistering cold sore I have inside my nostil. It looks like a gigantic booger. Wouldn't you like to walk around in public with my face?

pfffft

2005-02-02T19:52:00.000-06:00

I knew the pair of khakis I was wearing today were getting old and worn out, but I didn't realize how bad it was. It got so bad I had to change clothes.

I was laying on the floor of the living room reading my nerd magazine and all its interesting articles. Pfffft. When I went to stand up, the fabric of my pants underneath my right butt pocket ripped.

I'm so glad it happened at home.

Studies Show Tired Arms Lead to Giggles

2005-01-23T16:15:00.000-06:00

Hubby and I went rock climbing earlier today. He wanted to climb before workouts so he would have fresh muscles. So we climbed with fresh muscles, and exhausted ourselves trying to make it to the top and ring the bell. I knew I had exhausted myself - big clues were the heavy panting and cramped (I don't even know what it's called) muscle on the underside of my forearms. I've never paid any attention to that little muscle, but it was screaming to be noticed by the time I was done climbing.

We headed upstairs to get our workouts in. Today was my weight lifting day. I didn't realize how tired I was from climbing. I started out lifting to work my rear shoulder muscles and was struggling by the fourth rep. ! I started giggling at how tired I was. With each rep, I found it funnier and funnier and giggled more and more.

I was glad to be listening to my walkman, with hopes that those around me who had noticed my giggling would think I was listening to something funny. That made me think how ridiculous I would look giggling to myself if I didn't have a walkman with. Well, that thought threw me into an out and out gigglefest.

I was overcome with laughter and thanking my lucky stars Hubby was upstairs, too. I ran over to the stationary bike he was peddling away on and vomited out my giggles. As I was telling him why I had the giggles, I started thinking how silly I would look having my fit of laughter if I didn't have him there to purge it all out to. That made me giggle a bit more.

If you happen to come across a laughing hyena at the gym sometime, wave "hi" at me.

Talk, Talk, Talk...

2005-01-08T07:28:00.000-06:00

Proven yet again: I talk too much when sober. I talk way too much (and too loud) when I drink.

Clutsy Strikes Again

2004-12-21T18:25:00.000-06:00

I picked my son up from school today. They made pseudo-gingerbread houses at school with graham crackers and frosting that were decorated with different candies. I figured it'd get home easier in the car.

My cutie kid was walking towards the car. I thought I'd be helpful so I reached around to the backseat and opened the door for him. As he got closer I pushed the door open so he would be able to just climb in.

My plan backfired. Instead of helpfully opening the door, I banged the door into him and his gingerbread house. It was knocked hard enough that if all fell apart and he got covered with the powdered sugar he had all over his house to be snow, including a yard full of powdered sugar snow. Well, when I got through being helpful, he was wearing that yard of powdered sugar snow.

Pee Yew!

2004-11-29T19:57:00.000-06:00

I have nasty farts today. Be glad you can't smell them. If it were summer and there were flowers outside, they'd all be wilted within 10 miles.

The Bride, The Groom...and Me

2004-11-28T22:10:00.000-06:00

Before the wedding dance where I stomped on my aunt's foot, I first had a blunder at the wedding. Unfortunately, this one was worse.

The couple had not hired professional photographers or videographers, so I thought I would be kind and videotape the wedding for them. I wanted to plug in the camcorder to make sure the battery didn't die part-way through the ceremony. This limited my options of where I could place the camcorder. I had to be within a few feet of an outlet.

After trying out a couple different spots, and after getting no direction from the bride or groom, I decided on the outlet that was near the aisle, but behind all the seating. I would have to move the camcorder's tripod to the side at the beginning and end of the ceremony so the aisle would be open. Not a problem.

Wrong. I didn't realize that instead of the best man and groom waiting at the front of the church, they were going to walk in from the side, then escort the best woman and bride up the aisle.

I wish I had known that. There I was standing by the tripod ready to tape the ladies coming in the back when all of the sudden the men were entering from the side and coming not just towards their respective ladies, but also me.

So the best man walks in and meets the best woman. My camcorder tripod and I are totally in the way. Worse yet, the groom walks in and meets the bride. Again, yep, tripod and me still in the way.

So anyone taking pictures of the moment the groom met the bride to walk up the aisle towards the pastor, has a picture of the bride, the groom, and me. Oh, and my big ol' tripod. Smooth.

Wedding Dance Stomp

2004-11-27T18:35:00.000-06:00

I was at a wedding last night. A live was band was playing for the dance and even though they sounded great and played good music, I was sitting in my chair watching the dance floor instead of dancing.

I don't usually get over that initial dance fear. The I'll-look-like-a-fool-so-I'll-just-watch fear keeps me in my chair. I did have a moment of bravery, though.

The fun beach song "Wipe Out" came on so I got up and grabbed my aunt and cousin and hit the floor doing the pony. I was feeling so dance-a-riffic I pushed myself through the circle of dancers that were on the floor instead of just sneaking around the side of them all.

Then I stomped on my aunt's foot. Nice.

Gray Hair

2004-11-23T21:10:00.000-06:00

While at an eye doctor appointment earlier today, my mom and I were sitting in the waiting room and she was trying to show me her gray hair. I've been teasing her about gray hair for years, not because she has any, just to get her goat. She only has, maybe, four gray hairs on her head.

Well, until recently, that is. A couple of weeks ago I told he she was looking a little gray on top, but she shushed me, figuring I was harrassing her as usual. Her co-worker recently mentioned it to her, so now she believes me.

She was trying to get me to look, but I was having a hard time seeing anything. My eyes had been given dilation drops and I couldn't focus on anything.

As she was fussing that she really does have gray hair now, I was realizing that the typical patient of my eye doctor is about 75 and uses a cane or walker. Mom just kept going on and on about how she was going to dye her hair because "NO WAY" was she going to walk around gray. Meanwhile, we're sitting in a room full of gray-headed senior citizens.

Hopefully they didn't have their hearing aids in to hear what we were saying.

Having a Brain Freeze Day

2004-11-21T11:30:00.000-06:00

This morning we headed to the gym. While all the good people of the world are at church, it's a good time for us heathens to have the gym to ourselves.

After our workouts we put on our coats and walk out the door to go. I head to the main parking lot, where hubby has unquestioningly followed me to, and then remember the car is parked on the opposite side of the building. Duh!

We could've turned around and walked through the building to the car, but we decided to just walk around the outside. We giggled at ourselves as we went, enjoying the walk and having fun being goofs as we pretended we were important people, police maybe?, securing the perimeter. (I know - dorky, why am I admitting this?)

We walk around and reach the car. In case it wasn't silly enough to forget where we parked the car, and silly enough to entertain ourselves on the walk by pretending to be security guards or something, I then realized another silly thing. I was carrying my mittens instead of wearing them. Duh! It's 32 degrees out - I could've been a little warmer on that little walk.

One of these days I'm gonna be a smart person who actually thinks about stuff before I do it.

P.S. I didn't even spell "mittens" right when I typed it. Spellcheck had to correct it for me. When will it end?!

Manicotti Madness

2004-11-19T11:15:00.000-06:00

Last night I made stuffed manicotti for supper. Being of Norwegian descent, I fumbled and cursed my way though stuffing the suckers. They were totally defiant and would not help at all. It did turn out to be a fabulously delicious supper, but a bit annoying to try to make the cheese jump inside the pasta - and then stay there.

I can just imagine some little Sicilian grandmother in clunky black shoes and a black shawl having a look of horror on her face if she would've watched me. Especially the times I gave up and just ripped the pasta tube open and then slapped the cheese in and folded it back to be closed. "Mama mia!" she'd exclaim, then curse up to the sky, followed by making a cross on herself. (By the way, that worked just fine - no one could tell which were the usual stuffed manicotti and which were the cheater rip-open-fill-and-close-again manicotti.)

Take a Hike!

2004-11-15T11:25:00.000-06:00

We bundled up and headed to the State Park yesterday. It's a bit of a drive to get out there, but it's so worth it. Being there relaxes me so much I have a hard time driving the speed limit. I'm often find myself driving way under the speed limit because I am so calm.

One of the first things we saw when we got in the park was a bunch of deer. We were driving to the parking lot and 8 deer crossed the road in front of us. That was our only wildlife sighting for the day, but it was a good one. Oh wait, I did see a squirrel.

One of my highlights was the little ponds that were frozen and had layers and layers of leaves frozen in them. Just gorgeous. I took a few pictures, but none of them do it justice.

My embarrassing moment was when we stopped for apples on a bench. Being a colder day, I had a bit of a runny nose. Wish I would've thought to grab some kleenexes. While I was sitting there on the bench my husband made me laugh. When I laughed I made my snot drip a big gooby down my face. Very becoming.

Not Looking My Best

2004-11-13T13:16:00.000-06:00

Not long after I got home from the gym this morning, my neighbor and his two daughters came by as they canvassed the neighborhood selling for the Girl Scouts. They weren't selling cookies as you would think. Turns out they couldn't find a Cookie Coordinator for the region so they're not doing cookies this year. ?

Anyway, when I heard the doorbell, I had to stop and think for a second if I was going to go to the door or not. I decided I should go get the door, but I really didn't want to. As I stated earlier, I was recently home from the gym so I was all sweaty and stinky. Plus my hair was nasty greasy because I only showered yesterday and skipped washing my hair. Throw two bright red scabs on my lips from healing cold sores into the mix and it doesn't paint a very pretty picture. I wasn't feeling my cutest to say the least.

If only they'd come an hour later, once I had showered and put on make up. I only see these people as they drive by my house or as I drive by theirs. They're going to think I'm the icky lady on the street.

Nose Wipe

2004-10-18T10:51:00.000-05:00

When I was driving to school one morning in my senior year, I had a little bit of a runny nose. I was stopped at a stoplight and did the ol' wipe-the-finger-up-the-nostril move to get the drip. I turn to the car next to me. Lady smiles, so I smile back. A kind smile that says, "Hey, good morning."

Lights changes, I go on my merry way. A few blocks later I look at myself in the rear view mirror. The ol' wipe-the-finger-up-the-nostril move had no only taken care of the drip, but also pushed a green boogie to the end of my nose. Nice.

The lady I smiled back at wasn't smiling "good morning" to me. She was giggling to herself about the booger on the end of my nose.

What a Goon

2004-10-11T18:47:00.000-05:00

Today I had my nephew come over and play again for a while. It was supposed to be the 3 yr old's turn, but he was sick and puking, so I took the 4 yr old instead. The 4 yr old loves to ride the tricycle so after a good game of Monopoly Jr, he won, we got the trike out and headed to the park.

I wasn't watching the clock very well and before I knew it his dad was there to pick him up. He knew we'd be at the park if we weren't at my house so he took home Jake, said 4 yr old, from there. That left just me and the trike.

Can you imagine how goony it looks to see a grown woman riding a trike through the park? If you can't, maybe you can track down one of the many motorist that were passing by. I wish I could've seen it. I bet it was quite the sight. I was standing on the back of it and pushing it like a scooter, by myself, down the bike path through the park. Smiling and laughing the whole way. What a goon!

I decided to carry it once I was out of the park. I'm sure it was a wise choice, though I'm sure my neighbors wouldn't be surprised to see me riding a trike down the street.

Feeling Goo-ey Today

2004-09-15T22:46:00.000-05:00

If small children saw me they'd cry. Others would certainly turn away in disgust, or stare with curiosity.

I had laser skin resurfacing on each of my cheeks today to try to get rid of the areas darkened by pimple scars. Yes, I've created this face of circus sideshow freak status on my own doing. The scars aren't very noticeable, especially not when I wear make-up, but I wanted them gone.

Earlier in the summer I had 6 sessions of microdermabrasion and chemical peels to take away individual pink spots also. Those treatments worked great and really made my skin look a lot better, so I was really looking forward to my laser appointment to try to get rid of the darkness that has still remained.

Laser is a little more intense than the microderms and chemical peels, so besides the redness the other two can cause, my skin is also oozing a little pus and has a few tiny places where blood is spilling, kind of like if I were pricked by a needle. To protect the vulnerable fresh skin that is now exposed, I have large globs of Aquafor rubbed across my cheeks. Can you picture how bizarre I look?

I realized how odd it is that I've done all this to myself. Kids, don't pick those pimples! I didn't like the way I looked way back when I was a pimple-face teen, so I would pick at the pimples (with the drive and intensity of a monkey picking for termites) to try to make them look better. But instead I got scabs and scars. Now as an adult, I don't like the look of the scars on my face, so I have paid the good doctor to use a mini-sandblaster, acid, and lasers to make it look better. But instead I've got blood, pus, and globs of goo. When will it end? (3 to 5, days I hope).

I also was thinking about how vain and shallow having these procedures seems. I like who I am and I'm okay with how I look. But I still wanted to the procedures and even got teary-eyed thinking my pimple scars could be gone and I could look like a real adult instead of an over-age teen. Am I really okay with how I look? Or am I trying too hard to fit the mold of conventional beauty? I think it's a little of both, in varying amounts on different days.

I can tell you one thing that is not part of the mold of conventional beauty, though. Pus, blood, and globs of goo on your cheeks. It's very unbecoming. I hope these 3 to 5 days of unsightliness and healing go quickly.

My Poor, Poor Husband

2004-09-12T19:07:00.000-05:00

I don't have pity for my dear hubby because of how I behaved in the bars last night (I'll get to that in a minute), I have pity for him because he has been working on a huge, huge project at work for the last two months and it's supposed to all be done and ready to go live tomorrow morning. It's a web application for his company and it is muy, muy importante. Uh oh. He's in super crunch mode because they've had to make a bunch of last minute changes, and some of those changes are causes big problems. The poor dear was so crazily over-stressed this morning I thought he as going to break down and cry. He sounded like he was in such a sad state. Last time I talked to him though, things were looking better. But, unfortunately, the clock is still ticking and the project isn't done.

Others would probably have pity on him for my behavior in the bar last night. I went to St Cloud with a bunch of gals for my friend's bachelorette party. I am not a partier by any stretch of the imagination. I never went to college and never went to any of the college parties when I was of college age. I don't like the taste of alcohol, so I hardly ever drink. In the right mood though, I'll do shots. If I'm ever having a drink it's only with the intention of becoming, shall we say, under the influence. Shots are much quicker to get down.

My husband loves to drink and loves for me to drink, so I figured I'd have a couple drinks (well, shots) before I went home. Instead of buying my drinks, though, I kept asking guys to buy my shots for me. It was so easy! And I even made it very clear that I was very happily married and not looking to stray. They still bought me drinks! And these weren't even dorky, desperate guys...I was getting drinks from the hotties. And not just for me, most of them also bought drinks for at least a friend or three also. Yahoo, I totally won the get-free-drinks game. At one point a friend wanted a drink and had me talk a guy into getting one for her since I had perfected the art. She's quite a looker, so she could have easily persuaded some shmuck herself, that's what a roll I was on.

And as for pitying my husband. There's no need, unless it's over the whole work thing. He thought it was a riot to hear about my adventure as a drinking woman. So all said and done, I got really drunk and helped my friends get drunk...all for a $2 cover charge...I know! What a steal! And I didn't even get sick or wake up with a hangover.

Anti-nakey Vision Insurance

2004-09-12T11:24:00.000-05:00

If there was such a product to buy from an insurance salesman, I'm sure my son would be in line to get it. After seeing his mom nakey yesterday morning and being totally grossed out by it, my son made sure to turn his back when he came up the stairs to see us this morning. I saw that he was turned around and figured that's what he was doing so I told him it was okay to look, that I was wearing clothes. Only then would he turn around. I wonder how long before he's not mortified anymore.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he'd buy the total coverage insurance to not see anyone nakey, and maybe a while down the road he'd drop that down to a policy for only not seeing family nakey. Something similar to dropping from total coverage car insurance to only liability once you're car is paid off.

Oops!

2004-09-11T21:08:00.000-05:00

My alarm went off a few minutes ago to wake me up. Of course the first thing I did was get out of bed and walk across the hall to the bathroom to turn it off. I keep my alarm there hoping I'll wake up a little by actually getting out of bed and be less likely to hit snooze. I usually sleep naked, especially on warm nights like we had last night, so I had nothing on when I went to turn off my alarm.

Here's the oops part: my son was in the bathroom waiting to be a nice little guy and turn it off for me. His bedroom is downstairs and I'm usually a light enough sleeper that I hear him if he comes upstairs. Even when he's quiet enough to stalk a zebra. I didn't hear him this time though. Either he got quieter or I fell back asleep really hard (I hit snooze the first time my alarm went off).

The alarm buzzed, I got up to turn it off, stepped nakedly into the hallway, then jumped and eeked a quietish eek when I realized he was standing there. I knew it'd totally gross him out to see his mother naked, or nakey as they say on the Nickelodeon cartoon Rugrats, so I apologized a few squeaky sorries as I ran back to get my robe. He had turned his back and didn't turn back around until I said it was okay and I was wearing my robe.

He's ten and he hates the idea of boys liking girls in "that" kind of way. I've probably just lessened my chances of him ever getting married and giving me grandchildren. Rats!